sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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