True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
