Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
