I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
