i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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