I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
