everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
