You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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