Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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