I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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