Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
this boner is exhausting
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I got her a Nickelback box set.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She bit a glass in half.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
