Pants 0. Shit 1.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
