Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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