smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
