some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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