I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
