I will die if light touches me.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
