DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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