I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
