Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
