sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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