I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
