i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
