I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
