I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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