I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
So squirting runs in the family.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
