If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
