I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
