I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
