I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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