He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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