Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
