Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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