gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
