like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
