thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
