you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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