Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
