My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
