I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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