im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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