Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
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i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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