If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
