she looked like the before picture.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
