im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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