My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Why did my mother make you get naked?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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