Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
