I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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