Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
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I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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