Your dad touched me again.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
