He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.