My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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