so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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