when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
