3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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