She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
