I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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