a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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