We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
